im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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