I just saw a hot homeless man
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
