Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
