is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
