I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
