ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She told me I should be a condom model.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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