my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
