i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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