Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize