So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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