just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
