My sheets look like a crime scene.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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