Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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