Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
