I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
