look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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