I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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