I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I need a beard to bite.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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