I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
