two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize