That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
