my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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