Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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