I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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