I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
