i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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