Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
