Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
