it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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