and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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