Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
