Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
