Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i think i have herpe
just one?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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