dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize