just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
ttyl tear gas
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize