now i know why i became what i already was.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
mondays should just be called national damage control day
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is Oprah even human
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize