marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
