Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i now understand why vodka
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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