Well apparently he's into motor boating.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
