69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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