well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
