i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize