I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My feet surprised me
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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