Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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