I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dick very happy bro
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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