First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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