I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
