i would punch a child for taco bell
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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