dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
