I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
