if you like me you must not know who I am
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
