from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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