Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
