Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
