saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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