guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
