I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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