I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
this hospital has no fireball
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
