When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
