I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It was confusing and full of hummus
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
