Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
